One of two post today. For those following a certain meme, that post should be up shortly.
For everyone else I like to kick off the AW’s September Season Blog Chain.
The aim of a blog chain is twofold:
a) Have fun
b) Discover new blogs
This means that a true chain blogger reads and comments on the entry of the other participants. You’re not a faker, are you?
Finally, two friendly pieces of advice:
a) Visit this thread regularly or use the subscription feature to make sure you don’t miss your turn.
b) Try to keep you post under 1,000 words. Longer post tend to receive less attention.
I got the job because I was stupi….I mean fast enough to suggest the theme. Like they say in the Army, never volunteer for anything.
Then again it’s perfect because I already had an idea to go with the blog chain, which I’ve used before in other blog chains: write a short with a seasonal theme.
I iz a cheater!
So without further ado here is my entry in this month, This is Your Life!
(The last entry can be found here.)
The late night show host pointed at a nearby giant screen, “Is that you wearing a winter coat? In October?”
“Yeah, it was bloody cold, Jonathan! Where I come from we are dodging hurricanes in October, not bloody cold rain?”
Cue the audience laughter at the host silly face. It was his job to make the the stupidest remarks that came from my mouth as hilarious as possible. My job was to sell the show I spent five months working to put on the air. Jonathan was doing a much better job that I, obviously.
The image changed. It showed me in a heavy fur line parka answering a phone, “So tell me Mr. Ice Station Zero, what’s going on here?”
“That, oh, that was the call.”
“Yes, it was from the hospital.”
“What about?” Jonathan asked setting up the “funny story” that was supposed to endear the audience to me and to my soon to be released show.
“Beth has gone in because she felt some contractions. Or at least what she thought were some contractions. She was due at the end of the month, but we had some scares before.”
Jonathan canted his head to the side, “And this time?”
“She was sure they were coming.”
“So what happened next?”
“I yelled to Robbie, my cameraman, to wrap things up. It sucked because we had the perfect day. Glorious fall colors on the trees, a slight overcast and everything. But the actors couldn’t get their act together. They kept tripping over their lines anyway. I slid my iPhone on its holster.” I turned to the audience, “Yes, it has a holster.”
Cue more laughter.
“And you ran for it?”
“Oh Hell no! This is Britain man! Nobody runs for anything. Your hair could be on fire and you probably say ‘would you be so kind and hand me a glass of water’? or some such.” More laughter from the audience. One young lady in the front cackled a bit too much, which made the cameraman focus on her. She doubled over with laughter. We waited until she recovered. She raised her head, her cheeks colored a bright scarlet under twin dark bangs. “Well, if I ever go into stand up, I’ll pay her to be on my audience.”
“You mean you’re not paying her now?”
“Oy!” I said in my best lower-east end accent.
“So you’re in hospital, what happened next?” prompted Jonathan.
“Yes, I was in the hospital when I found Beth–”
“Your girlfriend,” said Jonathan.
“Yes…well I found her fighting with the obstetrician. The doctor thought it was another false alarm, but Beth insisted that the babies were coming out, right now. I for one was not about to argue.”
“And did she asked for any drugs? I know my wife screamed for them.”
“First she didn’t, cause she wanted a natural birth, no needles, yadda, yadda, yadda, then as the kids were ready to come out, they started pushing and she started screaming, ‘Oh god, oh god, give me something’ and something about me being ‘The son of a bitch father to my bastard children’ etc, etc, etc.” Even Jonathan could not keep a straight face after that. “And then came the moment I am least proud off.”
“What happened?” the audience hung on my every word.
“Well, the doctor calls me over to see the actual birth. By this time I’m wearing mask, the apron, surgical gloves, everything, right? The first baby is crowning, my son Robert and…”
“And I puked. Tossed my cookies, belched my lunch, wretched all over the place.”
“Well it’s a bit disgusting actually. No offense ladies, I know this is the birth of my children but it’s a bit slimy, you know. Like I said, not my proudest moment. But I recovered, saw the whole thing through and after seventeen long hours,” a picture of Beth holding our twins, Robert and Virginia, came up on the screen, “well, there you go.”
A collective “Awww,” followed by a strong applause swept through the audience. The conversation continued with talk of feeding times, sleep cycles and other baby related matters. What I didn’t tell them was the hours I spent staring out the window into the cold October night while rain lashed the hospital grounds. How cold I felt with fear for my wife and my children. A year ago I bought life to this world when a mother cat wondered into my home, and now I waited for the life that I conceived with the woman I loved to enter this cold, rainy world of ours. For some Fall means decay, at least to someone like me who was born in a land of eternal summer. But by a quirk of nature, it also meant the promise of new life.
That’s my entry for Semptember’s Blog Chain. I hope you liked it. Please fill free to visit and comment in all the participating blogs.
Here is the list of the September Blog Chain participants:
Ralph_Pines: https://ralfast.wordpress.com/ (ME!)
Aheïla: http://thewriteaholicblog.wordpress.com/ (NEXT!)
T.N. Tobias: http://tnt-tek.com/
Edited because the BBC yanked the clip from YouTube. A more appropriate clip coming up: