This excerpt from my first novel, Neither Here nor There…. is my entry in the “Let’s Talk” Blogfest. I hope it fulfills the requirements of a funny, if not sparkling, conversation. Set in the parking lot of a English supermarket.
Car loaded I was ready to go when I heard a crunching sound coming from the passenger seat. There sat Michael, with an open box of cereal, munching away like a goat. I glared at him, daring him to explain himself.
“Whrort?”he said. Pieces of cereal spilled from his mouth.
“What the hell are you doing?”
“Can’t you just wait until we get home?”
“Nuormmm, missed breakfast.”
“Just put that box in the back with the rest of the groceries. You can stuff your face once we get back home.”
“The boort is fullr.”
“The what is what?”
He swallowed, “The boot is full.”
“The boot? What the hell are you talking about? I didn’t ask you to stuff the box in your shoes!”
Michael stared at me in utter disbelief, “Get out.”
“Get out of the car!”
“This is my car, YOU get out!”
“Fine!” Michael kicked the passenger side door open and got out.
We met in the back of the car. I popped the trunk open and waited for him to put the cereal box in its place. Instead he just stood there. He pointed at the trunk.,“This is the boot.”
“No it isn’t. That’s the trunk. These,” I pointed at my shoes, “are boots.”
His face went from red to purple, “IS THE SAME FUCKING THING YOU IDIOT!” A family getting into their minivan stared at us. The smallest of the children, a little blond girl, stared slack jawed at Michael.
“What is?” I said perplexed.
“The trunk and the boot. The boot and the trunk. Trunk…boot…boot…trunk!”
“Oooh!” The tips of my ears burned, as they did every time I succumbed to a severe bout of the Stupids. I rallied back, “That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard!”
“No it isn’t. It’s just a name. Same thing different name.”
“So…let me get this straight, you call the trunk of the car a boot, right?”
“How the bloody hell should I know!”
My answer came in the form of me ripping the cereal box from Michael’s hand, stuffing in the…boot, trunk, whatever, “Plenty of space.”
Michael rolled his eyes. Back inside the car I felt the need to ask another stupid question, “Any other part of the car named after a piece of clothing that I should know about?”
Michael pointed at the hood, “The bonnet”.
I circled my index finger over the top of my head, “Like the hat?”
“Like the hat.”
I turned the ignition, “Stupid.”
I turned to reply when I saw that he, somehow, had a box of cereal in his hands, the same one I just threw in the trunk… I meant, boot a second a go. On our way out the lot I ripped the box from his hands and tossed it out the window. It landed inside a trash bin near the exit of the parking lot.
Above the bin a sign read, “Thank you for shopping with us. Have a nice day!”
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